This book provides a special opportunity for the reader to sit in on a virtual panel discussion lasting 60 hours, where four experienced people give their spontaneous and uncensored answers to some of the most thought-provoking questions they’ve encountered about these unique relationships.
By the last entries I realized that I was not just a reader of pages, but someone privileged to be party to honest and informative discussions between good friends. I was the silent listener in an ongoing conversation; a conversation filled with honesty, wisdom, emotion and love.
I would recommend this book to anyone. Individuals pursuing or interested in an Authority Transfer relationship will gain valuable guidance from some really smart people who are doing AT really well. And individuals pursuing or interested in any type of relationship will learn a lot about what happens when people commit to openness, transparency, communication, and love.
What I heard throughout from each was their excitement for co-constructed authority transfer relationships and their motivation to nurture the container in which they support each other to be and know themselves and the leader and follower activities that work for them.
About This Book
Lead Follow Love is your invitation to be included in the private thoughts of two long-term Authority Transfer couples as they consider and explore a range of topics – from sexuality to sacrifice, from encouragement to disappointment.
Authority Transfer Relationships are a negotiated, consensual, non-egalitarian style of relationship. You might know it by a variety of other terms, like Power Exchange, Master/slave relationship, Dom/sub relationship, etc..
Lead Follow Love was written in a unique manner. The authors chose over two-dozen challenging and personal questions to explore. They sat down together for a series of writing sessions, each one with a 30-minute time limit. The essays you have in your hands have been lightly edited to remove any blatant spelling disasters and then ripped from their author’s clawing hands and dropped into a chapter. This book is a tapestry of perspectives that harmonize yet have counterpoint. These are the hardest topics the authors could find, the safest environment to explore them, the harshest time-limit to prevent taking the easy route – and they hope you will agree the result is beautiful.
Dan and Dawn & Kevin and Katie are two couples who have been engaged in this specialized form of relationship for over 20 years. After two decades of Leading, Following and Loving, these journal entries are their love letters to Authority Transfer – shared with you in trust and vulnerability.
Written in a unique manner, exploring challenging and personal questions via a series of writing sessions, each one with a 30-minute time limit. This book is a tapestry of perspectives that harmonize yet have counterpoint.
About the authors
Kevin and katie are the winners of the 2017 International Power Exchange competition. They present internationally on Authority Transfer (and other topics). As members of the Science of BDSM Research Team they work to improve the understanding of Authority Transfer through academic means. In addition, they’ve been privileged to facilitate Authority Transfer discussion groups resulting in hundreds of hours of conversation and exploration of topics – both 101 and beyond. As such, they have had the opportunity to learn from the lived experience of a wide range of people pursuing an inegalitarian relationship structure. This constant immersion led them to consciously evolve their relationship across the last two decades. As language, introspection, knowledge, and experience revealed new possibilities, they adapted and changed – now identifying as a Leader and Follower who enact an Executive Model within an Authority Transfer relationship.
Dan and dawn are an alternative lifestyle couple since 2001 and have presented at over 100 events around North America. Not only do they enjoy teaching workshops and classes, they also share via books, specialized events, and fun consent negotiation playing cards!
Their books on power exchange and polyamory are based on experience and have been very well received by those communities.
They are also the co-hosts of the Erotic Awakening Podcast, an educational show that explores “all things erotic” since 2011; 2016 MAsT International Member’s Choice Presenter of the Year Award winner; Great Lakes region title holders (2010); creators of the Scarlet Sanctuary and Path of the Qadishti (sacred sexuality spaces); featured educators on both Kink Academy and Creative Sexuality; and mentioned in a number of books, articles, and other media.
Chapter Example
What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship? (Dan)
When we first got started, it was actually great. The energy of that new relationship, the discovery that someone was as kinky as you, the realization that power exchange – regardless of the lack of terminology or tools – was feeling very much like we found a missing part of ourselves. And it was great for us that we were both ‘newbs’ – our expectations of each other was appropriate as we both knew we were just getting started and doing our best. We often say we didn’t have great teachers – power exchange in our area was way less common than kink, and the internet was a fledgling community of bulletin boards strewn out across a google less land. But we did a lot of things right. We took a lot of time to really think about what we were doing, wrote it out, talked endlessly, and found that one or two other PE couples in the area to learn from (sometimes that learning was what we did not want to do).
Fortunately, we never heard the advice I hear a lot today – if power exchange is too hard, take a break and be vanilla for a bit. Instead, we stayed on course and figured things out.
… Continued
What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship? (dawn)
When you’ve been together this long and try to remember the beginning, it can be a little difficult. While we were setting up the timers for this writing, I asked what was meant by ‘hazards’. Does it mean challenges? Does it mean ‘nuclear’ hazard? Well, the rules are, we aren’t to discuss the question before the writing. But, it struck me….it could mean exactly that…nuclear, toxic, flammable. Those are things you would see on hazard signs on the side of a truck.
When we first got together, I had this beautiful idea of creating something from a fantasy novel. I’d give of my heart and self without hesitation to the man I trusted more than anything. He would cherish me and see my strengths and use them. He would see my inner slut and help me embrace it and we’d have years of sexy fun and stability. Everything would be super easy once we accepted and embraced our roles.
Well, that didn’t exactly happen. Not with the ease I had dreamed of.
… Continued
What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship? (Kevin)
This question instantly provokes a lot of content for me. It obviously brings to mind all the early hazards, which instantly makes me contemplate what hazards we are facing now, but will only really understand in the fullness of time.
The biggest early hazard would probably be assumptions and fantasies. Neither of us knew much about being in an Authority Transfer relationship, but we had some exposure to people being “Master / slave” in online chat rooms, a few popular press examples (The Secretary and the Gor books), one kink book (The Loving Dominant) and, for me, the hierarchical relationships shown in some of Robert Heinlein’s books. We, like many couples, built our relationship based on the fantasy and assumptions that we brought into the relationship – and that was super dangerous to the success and longevity of our relationship. We had to figure out that all the wank-fodder and fictional worlds don’t translate perfectly to the real world. We had to be willing to be relationship nerds – designing, experimenting, testing, learning, adapting, evaluating. I believe that many of the failures of this relationship style are in those couples unable to free themselves from their assumptions and fantasies, and instead create a relationship that is pragmatic and functional (but still smoking hot.)
… Continued
What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship? (Katie)
Hot domination. Soft submission. Sex and scenes and gracious service at any moment. A quiet mind releasing authority and attachment. Ahhh the fantasy!
The fantasy version is hot. The book versions are clear and concise – like reading an owners manual for a La-Z-Boy chair.
The reality vs the concept was my biggest hazard. As the songify video says, “Reality hits you hard bro.” (Google time!)
In the first couple of years I was continually faced with the surety that I was doing it wrong. My daily interactions with Kevin were nothing like “The Right Way” I pictured in my head. This left me continually measuring myself as a failure. Worse yet, instead of seeing improvement I saw myself wandering further from the fantasy with each step.
Within the first six months I wondered if I had offered Kevin something that I could not deliver on. I was tormented by my false advertising. I was not meek, not instantly compliant, not quiet in my head. My personality and natural inclinations boiled up through my attempts to be otherwise.
… Continued
What’s inside
These Chapters and Many More!
Foundations
What makes Authority Transfer relationships worth the effort?
What were the biggest hazards in the first couple of years of your relationship?
These roles are not a social norm. How do you have peace with them?
Interactions
What actions/tools do you use to maintain the dynamic on a daily basis?
How do you encourage and support open communication?
How do you attend to “reaction” and “resistance” in your relationship?
How do you interact in public? Talk about the subtleties of your role.
Myths and Reality
Does it matter who’s stronger, smarter, makes more money or any of the other regular power issues?
How do you view a “Do as I say, not as I do” style of leadership?
What advice do you have for folks wanting to start an AT relationship?
Struggles and Disagreements
Share a time you fucked up and how it was resolved.
Tell us about a significant disagreement and how it was resolved.
Describe a time your partner was compromised in their ability to fulfill their role. How do you manage when it happens?
Have you ever been in a slump with your partner? How did you resolve it?
Mental and Emotional Gymnastics
How do you manage the sacrifices necessary to make this relationship work?
Are manipulation, coercion, or underlying motives part of your interactions sometimes? Why?
How do you reconcile empowerment and independence with transferring authority?