Chapter Example 

What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship?  (Dan)

When we first got started, it was actually great. The energy of that new relationship, the discovery that someone was as kinky as you, the realization that power exchange – regardless of the lack of terminology or tools – was feeling very much like we found a missing part of ourselves. And it was great for us that we were both ‘newbs’ – our expectations of each other was appropriate as we both knew we were just getting started and doing our best. We often say we didn’t have great teachers – power exchange in our area was way less common than kink, and the internet was a fledgling community of bulletin boards strewn out across a google less land. But we did a lot of things right. We took a lot of time to really think about what we were doing, wrote it out, talked endlessly, and found that one or two other PE couples in the area to learn from (sometimes that learning was what we did not want to do).

Fortunately, we never heard the advice I hear a lot today – if power exchange is too hard, take a break and be vanilla for a bit. Instead, we stayed on course and figured things out. 

… Continued

What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship?  (dawn)

When you’ve been together this long and try to remember the beginning, it can be a little difficult. While we were setting up the timers for this writing, I asked what was meant by ‘hazards’. Does it mean challenges? Does it mean ‘nuclear’ hazard? Well, the rules are, we aren’t to discuss the question before the writing. But, it struck me….it could mean exactly that…nuclear, toxic, flammable. Those are things you would see on hazard signs on the side of a truck. 

When we first got together, I had this beautiful idea of creating something from a fantasy novel. I’d give of my heart and self without hesitation to the man I trusted more than anything. He would cherish me and see my strengths and use them. He would see my inner slut and help me embrace it and we’d have years of sexy fun and stability. Everything would be super easy once we accepted and embraced our roles. 

Well, that didn’t exactly happen. Not with the ease I had dreamed of. 

… Continued

What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship?  (Kevin)

This question instantly provokes a lot of content for me.  It obviously brings to mind all the early hazards, which instantly makes me contemplate what hazards we are facing now, but will only really understand in the fullness of time.

The biggest early hazard would probably be assumptions and fantasies.  Neither of us knew much about being in an Authority Transfer relationship, but we had some exposure to people being “Master / slave” in online chat rooms, a few popular press examples (The Secretary and the Gor books), one kink book (The Loving Dominant) and, for me, the hierarchical relationships shown in some of Robert Heinlein’s books.  We, like many couples, built our relationship based on the fantasy and assumptions that we brought into the relationship – and that was super dangerous to the success and longevity of our relationship.  We had to figure out that all the wank-fodder and fictional worlds don’t translate perfectly to the real world.  We had to be willing to be relationship nerds – designing, experimenting, testing, learning, adapting, evaluating.  I believe that many of the failures of this relationship style are in those couples unable to free themselves from their assumptions and fantasies, and instead create a relationship that is pragmatic and functional (but still smoking hot.)

… Continued

What were the biggest hazards in the first few years of your relationship?  (Katie)

Hot domination.  Soft submission.  Sex and scenes and gracious service at any moment.  A quiet mind releasing authority and attachment. Ahhh the fantasy!  

The fantasy version is hot.  The book versions are clear and concise – like reading an owners manual for a La-Z-Boy chair.  

The reality vs the concept was my biggest hazard. As the songify video says, “Reality hits you hard bro.”  (Google time!)

In the first couple of years I was continually faced with the surety that I was doing it wrong.  My daily interactions with Kevin were nothing like “The Right Way” I pictured in my head.  This left me continually measuring myself as a failure. Worse yet, instead of seeing improvement I saw myself wandering further from the fantasy with each step.

Within the first six months I wondered if I had offered Kevin something that I could not deliver on. I was tormented by my false advertising.  I was not meek, not instantly compliant, not quiet in my head.  My personality and natural inclinations boiled up through my attempts to be otherwise.   

… Continued